Written by: Dain Hong / Social Skills / October 21, 2020 / 8 minutes read

On Sunday, October 4th, Well Said hosted an event called Dating on the Spectrum. This event was inspired by the Netflix series Love on the Spectrum, and gathered individuals on the spectrum between ages 20-35 to allow them an opportunity to meet. Below are some tips that were shared with the participants, most of which are useful reminders for any person, on the spectrum or not. 

When wanting to meet a specific person, try to approach the person you’re interested in when they are alone. This way, there is less competition and more opportunity to get to know the date personally. If you’d like some help, have your friend accompany you, acting as your wingman/wing woman. They can praise you and set for you a positive impression. This way, you can stay modest while still flaunting your strengths. 

In a large setting with many individuals, look for open groups. The way that you will recognize this is by looking for groups that are not standing in a circle. Such groups have their toes pointed away from the group, towards the rest of the party. In other words, avoid groups of two people where they are facing each other and have their backs turned. They may be in a deep conversation that they would not like interrupted. 

You can consider attending the same events that allow you to reconnect with people. This way, you’ll have some familiar faces to chat with, as you meet new people. Be careful not to push too far in the first meeting, asking for their contact information or setting up a next meeting. Finally, if you’d like to meet someone, approach them when they are with someone you already know. This way, they can naturally introduce you. Otherwise, request for your mutual friend to make you an introduction, when the target friend is not around. 

After having made that initial contact, it’s important to keep the interaction going. You can do so in two general ways: making observations and asking questions. Generally, making observations is safer than asking a question. This is because it does not require a response. Rather, it is more like talking to yourself aloud. You can make conversation about the following topics: 

• The setting: Since the setting is a shared topic, there is greater chance that the other would be interested in it. 

• The music: You may talk about how the music may not be fitting for the event. 

• The food: How addictively delicious are these mini sandwiches?

• General emotions: How surprised were you about the turnout? 

The other way to maintain the flow of the interaction is by asking questions. This is a frequently used way to show interest. Ensure the questions are open-ended and empty of assumptions. Close-ended questions like yes/no questions or those seeking a one-word answer do not necessitate expansion. While such questions are useful in getting facts, to further stimulate details, ask questions that seek to understand how or why. 

Additionally, ensure that your questions are empty of assumptions. Ask questions that do not assume anything about the other person. Such questions that infer that the other is of a certain personality, racial, linguistic, educational and sexual background may be taken offensively. To do so, keep to somewhat general questions until the topic has been narrowed down naturally. 

It isn’t only your mouth doing the communicating, it is also your body. First and foremost, respect personal space. Make sure you’re leaving at least a metre distance; nowadays, the number is closer to 2m with the reality of COVID. Moreover, maintain eye contact. Look into the eyes of the person that you are speaking to. Darting eyes will reveal discomfort and/or distraction. 

Additionally, engage your face, allowing it to demonstrate emotions. A flat affect does not reveal any information. If you are enjoying the conversation, feel free to smile and laugh as appropriate. If confused, tilt your head and furrow your brows gently. Reveal your state with your face, as long as it is not impolite. Finally, open your arms. Keep your arms relaxed at your sides, with your palms open. Refrain from keeping your arms around your torso, as that creates a barrier between you and the communication partner. This distance-making can make you appear unapproachable. Similarly, keeping your hands in your pocket makes you seem aloof and disinterested.

As an interaction is a two-way street of listening and speaking, it is crucial that you are actively listening. To demonstrate this to the listener, you can begin by nodding occasionally to show comprehension. Nodding as the other is speaking will make the speaker feel validated. Moreover, you can make short remarks, such as mhm, okay, interesting, I see, right. Make sure these words are stretched out at the vowel, as saying them quickly will make the other think you are only eager to take your speaking turn. 

Further, as an active listener, you can echo key words. Repeating back to the speaker will let them feel affirmed. If the other says “I wanted to go for a run, but it was too hot”; you may echo, “It was too hot.” Finally, verbalize what the other may be feeling. Just like repeating their words, stating that the speaker is thinking is a great way to show them you empathize. To the above comment about running, you could say “Hot weather is makes running so much more challenging”. 

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.