Guilt, Shame, and Communication
Written by: Megan Smith / Communication Coaching / October 14, 2020 / 8 minutes read
What is guilt?
Guilt is an internal, emotional response to failing to meet our personal moral standards. It occurs when we know that we had the power to do the right thing but chose another path instead. We are left discontent with our behaviour and its consequences, and we are motivated to take steps to salvage our self-image and reputation.
For example:
If Samantha loses a book she borrowed from her colleague Jeffrey, she will feel guilty. This guilt will motivate her to apologize and offer to replace it.
If Alex is dismissive of his partner Andrew’s feelings during a heated discussion, guilt will motivate him to apologize and seek to resolve the issue the next day.
What is shame?
Shame is also an internal, emotional response to failing to meet our personal moral standards. However, it differs from guilt in a few very important ways (Miceli & Castelfranchi, 2018):
Power: Guilt occurs when we have the power to behave differently but chose a poor behaviour instead. Shame exists when we believe that we do not have the power to change our behaviour.
Target: Guilt is an emotion focused on behaviour (i.e. How fundamental was the mistake?). Shame is an emotion focused on the person (i.e. Does it imply that I am worthless?)
Result: Guilt motivates behaviour to repair relationships (“I snapped at you last night, and I just wanted to apologize”). Shame prompts individuals to preserve their relationships by minimizing their exposure (i.e. avoiding, retreating from conversations or situations).
Returning to our examples:
For Samantha, shame about losing the book and being “outed” as an irresponsible, careless person might prevent her from telling Jeffrey the truth. She may avoid him at work events, or leave conversations with him as quickly as she can, to avoid the topic of the book being raised.
For Alex, the shame of having been wrong and being stubborn about it may cause him to double down on his aggressive communication. Going forward, Alex may become increasingly defensive, and not allow Andrew any space to challenge his opinions.
Regardless of the form of escape, it will interfere with your ability to communicate clearly, calmly, and assertively.
So, why is the difference between these two feelings important?
Which version of these two Samanthas would you rather lend your possessions to? They have each failed to meet both your expectations and their own. The guilty version of Samantha has recognized her shortcoming, accepted it, and moved on to planning a future in which she does better. The ashamed version is crippled with fear that the behavior will now be used to interpret who she is.
Objectively, the second version of Samantha has committed the same mistake as the first. But her internal reaction to the situation has left her paralyzed, and unable to proceed in a helpful way. Shame has elicited a feeling of helplessness, and when we feel helpless about changing a bad situation, we seek to escape it.
Further, which of the two versions of Alex would you prefer as a partner? The one who is able to reflect on his negative feelings and act to resolve them? Or the one who bottles them up and refuses to acknowledge his faults?
Depending on your communication style, escaping can look different. It could be an explosion of your feelings and opinions (aggressive communication) to steamroll the other party and end the discussion. For others, it could be a suppression of their concerns, in order to avoid a negative reaction from the other party (passive communication). Regardless of the form of escape, it will interfere with your ability to communicate clearly, calmly, and assertively.
As we have observed through these examples, guilt is useful as long as it motivates us to improve. In fact, it is significantly more helpful than shame, which can leave us convinced of our helplessness. Individuals who feel guilty about communicating too passively or aggressively in a situation are more likely to try to rebalance their next interaction than those who are ashamed.
Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. European Journal of Psychology, 14(3): 710-733. https://dx.doi.org/10.5964%2Fejop.v14i3.1564
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Martinez, A. G. (2014). Two Faces of Shame: Understanding Shame and Guilt in the Prediction of Jail Inmates’ Recidivism. Psychological Science, 25(3): 799-805. https://dx.doi.org/10.1177%2F0956797613508790
Dolezal, L., & Lyons, B. (2017) Health-related shame: an affective determinant of health? Medical Humanities, 43(3): 257-263. https://dx.doi.org/10.1136%2Fmedhum-2017-011186
For people who struggle to speak with others about topics that cause feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, or frustration, sometimes sessions with a speech-language pathologist can help.
To book an initial consultation at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, visit our online booking system or call us today.
