Written by: Megan Smith / Communication Coaching / July 01, 2020 / 5 minutes read

If you google the phrase “how to apologize,” you will see that there are only a few simple steps needed to do it well. If you learn the three (or five – or six - or seven – or fourteen?) steps, you will complete the perfect apology, and your work will be done.

People often think of apologizing as a task that they need to complete according to tick-boxes. Checking off the required elements may lead to an apology that looks good in writing, and therefore a feeling that the task is complete. Let’s explore why that can be problematic.

We can apologize exactly as a guide may tell us, and not be forgiven. We can follow every step perfectly, and still cause significant hurt for the other party. Rather than an independent task, we should think of an apology as the first step in a lengthy process of repairing a relationship. An apology shows that we understand that we have done something wrong. It does not repair or restore relationships unless the person being apologized to feels that it does.

If we have decided that our apology is complete, we will lose our motivation to make amends. If the person we have hurt is slow to trust us again, we may interpret their behaviour as a fault of their own, rather than an error that we have made. We may also become defensive if our apology is challenged, or if we are told that an apology is not enough. 

Without genuine thought and motivation to change, our words and actions can demonstrate that an apology is false. The most basic form of this is “I’m sorry, but…” In this case, it is clear that we have said the words. We may even have meant them. However, the person that we have hurt will rightfully understand this as an attack rather than an apology. Even if we do not communicate a “but” with our words, our behaviour can also invalidate what we have done. 

Instead, we should think of our apologies as an opportunity to demonstrate how much we value our relationships. Rather than moving through steps to complete a task, we are rebuilding trust. The following are some examples of ways to think about apologizing to promote the mindset required to make real, lasting change in your relationships:

Many of the mistakes made in apologies can be avoided if we apologize only from a place of complete willingness to take responsibility for our actions and their consequences. If we still feel defensive, it means that we are focused on our intentions rather than our actions. An apology made from this state will not ring true, because we will not really mean what we say.

Seeing ourselves as the aggressor in a situation can be difficult while we still feel victimized in some way. It is easy to feel that it is unfair for you to apologize for harms that you have caused while the other person still has not addressed the ways in which they have harmed you. While it is fair to ask for an apology, make that a separate conversation, that occurs well outside of the context of your own apology.

Feeling defensive prevents us from listening to and understanding the person we have hurt. It makes us want to reject the information that they give us – information that is hugely valuable for our personal growth, and the restoration of trust in our relationships. When we hear information that threatens our perception of ourselves, it is natural for defensiveness to be triggered. To move past it, we can simply let the other person know what is happening, and ask to continue the conversation at another time. As long as we do return to the conversation at a time when we feel stable, secure, and ready to listen, this should not impact the value of our apology and the discussion surrounding it.

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If you are intrigued by the above information, or would like to seek out more information on apologizing well, seek out the work of psychologist and researcher Harriet Lerner. Her book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?” contains a wealth of information on both giving and receiving apologies well. 

There are many parts of communication that can feel difficult. Working on these skills can leave us feeling happier in our relationships. To practice your communication skills in a safe space with a speech-language pathologist, you can book an appointment at the clinic by calling us at 697-795-5277 or click the button below.