Whole Messages

Written by: Dain Hong / Social Communication / July 22, 2020 / 5 minutes read

The main purpose of communication is to understand, and to be understood. The understanding component can be done through active listening, which involves paraphrasing and clarifying. The second part— expressing yourself the way you intend—can be a trickier task. How are you to send a clear message when your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions are convoluted? 

In McKay and Davis’ book Messages: The Communication Skills Book, whole, and clear messages are introduced as having four expressions. These four are observations, thoughts, feelings and needs. A message in which any of these four constituents is unvocalized may risk becoming a contaminated message, or one that can easily be misinterpreted. With the goal of communicating ourselves as we intend, let us explore the four elements contributing to a whole message. 

Observation: what you see

The observation is the first of the four elements. It reports on what you have heard, read or witnessed. Considering the unique stance that each individual has, these observations may differ; yet each experience is just as valid as the next. Some examples of observations can include the following

• You have taken summer courses for the past three years 

• I fell off my bike this morning on my way to work

• Before moving to Toronto, he lived in Barcelona

• After a four-month closure, Tokyo Disneyland reopened this month

Notice that these observations above lack value judgements; it is plain and undeniable fact. This is where we like to start our messages so that the listener can understand what we see before hearing our thoughts on it.  

Thoughts: what you think

Thoughts are the conclusions, assumptions and value judgements stemming from your observation. These are ways that you process and personalize external information to better relate with them. This category also includes beliefs, theories, and attitudes as they are all a form of conclusions. Consider the following examples: 

• Spending all your time studying prevents you from becoming a well-rounded individual 

• Injuries without excessive blood or bruising is not a big deal 

• Barcelona is a nicer place to live in than Toronto 

• Florida may not yet be ready to open their Disneyland 

A message in which any of these four constituents is unvocalized may risk becoming a contaminated message, or one that can easily be misinterpreted.

Feelings: what you feel

The third of the four components in a whole message is the emotions. This part may be the most challenging, as it requires an acute level of self-awareness. Verbalizing your emotions can be a difficult task when you don’t know what you’re feeling, and also can’t put a label to it. Find hope in the reality that through more explorations and identification of emotions, you will improve. 

While discussion about emotions may add unwanted intensity and seriousness to a conversation, such information is indispensable in the connection process. When you disclose what makes you angry, excited or disappointed, you allow the other to empathize with you. Additionally, you invite the other to shift their actions to meet your needs. Below are some examples: 

• I am afraid that you are limiting your experiences by spending your summers in school

• I’m feeling optimistic about the cut healing itself without intervention 

• I’m a little nervous about his adjustment to Toronto, considering it’s his first time abroad

• I am impressed with how Tokyo was able to overcome the peak of the pandemic

Needs: what you need

The final component of a whole message is needs. This is the part of the message that inspires action. Individuals can often be enigmatic about their needs, perhaps with the assumption that “If they knew me or cared enough, they should know what I want.” However, this is a large misconception; the reality is that only you know what you need, and unless you state it, there is little chance you will get it. As needs in a relationship are constantly changing, it is of great significance to make known what you need. See the examples below: 

•  I would rather you take a trip abroad or get some work experience, as they are just as or even more valuable than school work 

• I only need some ice. If it gets worse, then I will seek medical intervention 

• I would appreciate it if you can spend some extra time with him, so that he could weather this new storm of adjusting to a new language and culture

• I would like for us to take seriously the precautions of wearing a mask

Looking back at the examples, and linking the four components of a whole message, we see the indispensability of each component. When a piece of information is missing, the message can seem judging, reducing, and nagging. However, when the four pieces are joined, particularly in this order of observation, thought, feeling and need, the message becomes accessible, reasonable, relatable and actionable. 

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: the communication book. p. 5-23 Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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