Written by: Laura Janzen / Communication Coaching / July 28, 2021 / 10 minutes read

When communicating, we put a lot of thought into what we’re going to say to others. We plan out what we’re going to contribute in a meeting, we formulate a list of questions before embarking on a date, we even rehearse hard conversations that we might encounter throughout our day. Although these interactions are a huge part of communication, there is a whole other dialogue running simultaneously inside our minds.

Not only is it important to monitor how we talk to others, it’s critical to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves. There are some thought patterns that can be detrimental to your ability to effectively communicate and show up as your authentic self. In this article, I will share with you some guidance on how to talk to yourself in a way that doesn’t negatively impact how you talk to others. First, we will cover the importance of seeing your thoughts as separate from you and your present reality.

A main principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a technique often used in speech therapy and other clinical settings, is to not become fused with our thoughts. The principle of diffusion allows you to be an observer to the thoughts rather than controlled by them. When you notice yourself falling into a negative thought pattern, a helpful tool is to disconnect from these negative thoughts. For example, if you’re about to give a presentation at work, and you notice unhelpful thoughts such as “this is going to be terrible” or “I’m going to screw this up” try to separate these anxious musings from the reality of your current situation. A helpful carrier phrase is “I am having the thought that…” which you can place in front of this unwanted thought. By seeing yourself as an observer to negative thoughts you can realize that the reality of the situation is often not as bad as your anxious mind wants you to believe

Another unhelpful thought pattern is “should” thinking. When you’re in a conversation or a meeting and the thoughts running through your mind are similar to “I should contribute now” “I should ask an insightful question” “I should have phrased that better” you are taking yourself out of the present moment. Being mindfully present in a conversation, will allow you to naturally insert when a relevant thought comes to mind, rather than constantly telling yourself what you should and shouldn’t be saying.

 “Black and white” thinking is one of several cognitive fallacies that can be harmful when trying to improve communication skills (or anything). The reality is most things exist in the grey area so categorizing situations into only success or failure is actually minimizing the complexity of communication. This is especially true when assessing how you are progressing towards a goal. Maybe in a presentation, you have multiple communication goals you’re working on. You want to slow down your pace and be concise with your ideas. If you notice you were able to use some pauses and speak at an appropriate rate throughout, but you didn’t manage to shave off the fluff when communicating your ideas, deeming that presentation a failure will discount the progress you’ve made towards another goal. Whenever you’re reflecting on how successful an interaction was, try to look at the various different elements and how effectively each of them were implemented, rather than noticing only what went wrong and deeming that conversation a failure.

A major mistake that most of my clients make when we discuss how they’re talking to themselves, is that their thoughts are often occupied with hypotheses about the thoughts of others. The types of thoughts that can pull you out of a conversation are those born from fear of judgment, such as “what is this person thinking about me” or “Do they think I sound stupid”. We will never know what other people think of us. Trying to simultaneously present your best self, while also attempting to be a mind reader, is not a combination for success.

If you expect to project confidence and warmth, you can’t be distracted by a stream of negative self-talk. How you speak to yourself has a huge impact on how you speak to others. Instead of constantly obsessing over what other people are thinking about you, dedicate some of that energy towards observing and filtering the kind of thoughts you have about yourself. Our brains are wired to look for evidence of the thoughts that we feed it. If you wake up every morning and tell yourself you are unlikeable and stupid then your brain will filter the experiences you have to support the claim that those adjectives describe you. Additionally, you will act in accordance with these thoughts and this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which you create the reality that you tell yourself exists. 

If you are struggling to feel confident when communicating, a big part of understanding why this is happening is unpacking the beliefs you hold about yourself and the thoughts you bombard yourself with when you’re talking to someone you want to impress. If you want some help unpacking these thoughts and building better communication skills, book an initial consultation today!

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.