Written by: Laura Janzen / Communication Coaching / February 24, 2021 / 10 minutes read

The ability to start and maintain an engaging conversation is a skill that is required to build both personal and professional relationships. It can feel very uncomfortable when a dialogue reaches a standstill, and you don’t know how to move the conversation forward. Often the problem is that we are getting in our own way and are being held back by fear and self-doubt. If you are frequently finding yourself in awkward silences not knowing what to say next, these conversation tips are for you!

When beginning a conversation, a great way to start the discussion is through an open-ended question. This includes questions that start with who, what, when, where, why or how. This type of question will require the other person to expand rather than responding with a one-word answer. Nothing will stop the flow of a conversation faster than asking a yes or no question. For example, if you’re trying to get to know someone on a first date, asking “So, what kind of shows have you been watching lately?” will likely foster a more engaging dialogue than “Have you seen The Queen’s Gambit?” which can simply be answered with “no, I haven’t” and then you’re back to square one, searching for another topic to discuss. Be genuinely curious about the person with whom you are speaking and continue asking relevant questions that move the conversation forward.

No matter how different two people may seem, there is almost always something they can find that they have in common. If you keep talking past each other about topics that the other person can’t relate to, you are unlikely to find the conversation engaging or enjoyable. For example, if your conversation partner says they haven’t watched The Queen’s Gambit and you go on for 10 minutes about chess and the fantastic character development in the series, the other person won’t be able to contribute and they will likely lose interest. Meaningful conversations will flourish once two people find things to connect on. Share openly about your likes and dislikes and as already mentioned, ask relevant questions until you find a shared interest or opinion that you can talk about in more detail.

It’s important for the other person to know you are actively engaged in the conversation. Use non-verbal communication to show interest and understanding. Nod from time to time and use confirming interjections such as “mhmm” or “yes” to show that you are following and absorbing their message. Facial expressions should also be used to display interest. Smile if they say something amusing, raise your eyebrows if you’re surprised and furrow your brow to show concern if they are sharing something more serious. This will make your conversation partner feel heard and encourage them to keep sharing. Finally, lean in and maintain eye contact while they are speaking so they know you’re interested in what they have to say. If you are very guarded in your face and disconnected in your body language, your conversation partner may interpret this as disinterest which will likely lead to the conversation being cut short.

We are often our own worst enemy when it comes to social communication. We become so distracted by thoughts of what the other person might be thinking that we are no longer mindfully present in the conversation. If your mind is clouded with negative self-talk, it will be very challenging to speak from a place of authenticity and connect with the other person. You may find yourself getting so caught up thinking about what you’ll say next that you are no longer fully paying attention and you miss parts of what the other person is saying. Rather than worrying about saying something stupid, focus all your energy on the person in front of you. If you really listen to what is being said, it will be much easier to formulate genuine responses.

Rushing and stumbling over your words gives off a hectic anxious energy. If you feel uncomfortable and nervous, you will elicit these same emotions in your conversation partner and they probably won’t want to chat for very long. When people are anxious, they enter fight or flight mode which makes thinking clearly extremely challenging. Before getting on a call or walking into a restaurant for a first date, take a few minutes to connect with your breath and ground yourself. Once the conversation has started, try to maintain a comfortable pace, appropriate volume and use pauses to collect your thoughts. When you remain calm and project confidence, both you and your conversation partner will feel more at ease. 

Deep, meaningful conversations are the foundation of lasting friendships and relationships. Instead of being overcome with fear around what you’re going to say or how you’ll be perceived, enter the conversation with curiosity and authenticity. Ask open ended questions to find common ground  and show that you’re interested through your body language and facial expression. Most importantly, get out of your own way by staying calm and being mindfully present in the moment. Next time you find yourself in an awkward silence, remember these tips and watch as your conversation flows easily from one topic to the next.

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.