Written by: Shalyn Isaacs / Communication Coaching / December 15, 2021 / 10 minutes read

Messages about a woman’s worth being dependent upon her bodily appearance, the way she speaks, how soft and passive she is, and her ability to conform to societal expectations of a “good woman” – are rampant throughout social media, television, advertisements, and socio-cultural institutions. When we grow up with pressure to conform to “too-small,” “mellowed-down,” and docile versions of ourselves that fit society’s expectations of us – how does this impact our communication styles down the road? Is it possible that our communication styles are coping strategies that we developed to cope with patriarchal norms and expectations imposed on us?

The development of the personality and self-identity is crucial during childhood years when children are dependent upon their parents, teachers, and other authority figures to help guide their developing value systems. The ability to think critically about gender inequity, power dynamics, and other social-cultural issues has not yet developed. Therefore, it is only understandable that when young girls are told to do something in order to be loved, in order to be seen – they comply. When there are countless messages from peers, family members, teachers, social media, and advertisements that tell young girls that they must prescribe to socially-acceptable gender roles dictated by others, it is only understandable that girls become women who believe these messages and shape their identities accordingly. From a psycho-developmental perspective, it is only natural that children believe what is told to them by people and institutions that they are supposed to trust. 

Early messages that dictate who women should be often result in an over-dependence in trust on the beliefs and narratives of authority figures, rather than trust in oneself. Therefore, one shapes their identity and communication style in line with messages that they are exposed to early on, rather than identities that are shaped by one’s individual thoughts, desires, needs, and creativity. In fact, communicating in a particular way may be something that enabled them to feel safe in deeply uncomfortable and invalidating situations.

Oftentimes this process results in young girls growing into adolescents, teenagers, and women who believe that their ability to be respected and valued is based upon how well their communication style fits with socially-defined gender roles.

They start to think to themselves:

• “What can I do to make myself more appeasing to others?” instead of “What can I do to bring my inner desires and pleasures to life?” 

• “Am I speaking too loudly or too softly?” instead of “Am I sharing my unique thoughts, perceptions, and ideas in ways that I’m comfortable with?” 

• “What if they don’t like me?” instead of “How am I feeling when I am with this person?” or “How does this person or workplace make me feel inside?”

• “Am I taking up too much space when I am being myself?” instead of “How can I show up as fully, and authentically as I can and communicate from that place?” 

• “What if my idea is not liked by them?” instead of “Am I creating and communicating my ideas from a place that brings me joy and fulfillment?” 

• “What can I do to earn their approval, love, and respect?” instead of “How can I be true to myself in this moment?” 

In an effort to conform to socially-constructed ideals of a “good” woman, she may engage in the following behaviors and emotional patterns: 

• Over-explaining her ideas. 

• Feeling small and less confident in social situations. 

• Feeling not good enough.

• Struggle with imposter syndrome around her communication abilities. 

• Struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth. 

• Feeling like they must perform stereotypically masculine ways of communicating in order to be taken seriously by other people.

As women, and especially if you identify as a woman from a marginalized background or from the LGBTQIA community, you may already know about the many patriarchal norms that are imposed on us. Perhaps you have your own unique lived experience with this issue and the ways it shows up in your communication patterns. 

I believe that communication enhancement is about feeling confident and assertive in our ability to communicate in ways that feel authentic and empowering to us, rather than about changing to accommodate oppressive, inequitable social norms. 

From a psychological perspective, one key way of accomplishing this would be through learning to 1) identify problematic communication patterns, 2) understanding where these communication patterns may stem from and 3) developing knowledge and skills to feel confident with breaking these patterns and creating new ways of communicating with others that feel empowering. 

• How are my communication patterns embedded in a desire to meet inequitable social expectations? 

• What do I want to change? 

• What feels like empowering communication to me?

To work with Shalyn Isaacs as your psychotherapist (qualifying) at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or by calling (647) 795-5277.