Written by: Shalyn Isaacs / Communication Coaching / January 21, 2022 / 10 minutes read

Over the years, I have worked with numerous people on issues they experienced with communicating boundaries. Many people possess assumptions and cognitive beliefs about the value of setting boundaries. We also carry thought patterns about who is allowed to set boundaries and who isn`t. In this blog post, we will get into a discussion about 1) what boundaries are, 2) power and social dynamics that influence who feels comfortable setting boundaries, and 3) strategies for learning to set boundaries in your own life.

I am trained as a Psychotherapist and have 5+ years of experience with public speaking, workshop facilitation and leadership skills coaching. These experiences gave me the opportunity to work with people of various age groups to work through the underlying psychological, emotional or social causes that were hindering their ability to communicate effectively. 

While I was working with individuals and groups in coaching and facilitation environments, a common concern that was often brought to people’s awareness was their difficulty with establishing and enforcing their boundaries. It made me wonder: What are some psychological and social factors that influence people to struggle with enforcing their boundaries in different situations? Why do some people struggle with communicating boundaries while others don’t? Is it due to personality differences, innate characteristics, or something that has been internalized that can be un-learned? Is it possible for people to learn the skills of communicating boundaries? 

Let’s explore these questions step-by-step. 

• What Are Boundaries? 

Simply, I define boundaries as things that we need in order to feel safe and at ease. This is why when we feel that someone or some situation is crossing our boundaries, we start to feel uneasy, anxious or stressed. In order to communicate our boundaries, we first must know what our boundaries are. 

• How Do I Know What My Boundaries Are? 

In my experience, boundaries are somatic. This means that all of us have an internal ‘’felt-sense’’ of what our boundaries are when we can connect to our emotions and bodily senses. It is difficult to know what our boundaries are when we feel disconnected from our emotions and bodies. Therefore, when we are disconnected from our emotions and bodies – it makes it easier for other people to cross our boundaries. Oftentimes, if we are unaware of what our boundaries are, we will unconsciously allow other people to ‘’push our limits’’ because we do not realize that we can engage with them in a different way – i.e through communicating boundaries. We may simply accept the conditions and standards that others impose on us if we are unaware of what we need in order to feel safe, well, and respected. 

Some questions to ask ourselves to identify our boundaries would be: What do I need in this situation in order to feel safe and at ease? What do I need to know in order to do my job as best as I can? What do I need in order to trust this person? What behaviors make me feel safe and what behaviors make me feel stressed, frustrated or anxious inside? 

A common experience I have noticed is that women in particular will feel badly about themselves for communicating their boundaries. Often, I`ve witnessed women experience shame for setting boundaries because they are afraid that they will be judged as ‘’problematic, a trouble-maker, or aggressive.’’ 

During these moments, we must ask ourselves whether these internal dialogues are factual. We must also ask ourselves whether pleasing other people at the expense of our own mental and emotional well-being is worth it. 

It is important to set boundaries because in the words of Nedra Glover Tawwab, who is the author of ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’, she writes: “Unspoken boundaries are invisible, and they often sound like “They should’ve known better” or “Common sense would say . . .” Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.”

• How Do I Communicate My Boundaries? 

I believe the first step in communicating boundaries is identifying what your boundaries are. The second step would involve knowing what having your needs be met feels like within your body, and what having your boundaries be crossed feels like within your body. Trust the wisdom of your body and emotions. 

Explore what it would feel like in your body and emotions to ask for your needs and have them be met. What would it be like to ask for what you need in order to feel safe, accepted and like you can make decisions effectively? 

Invite yourself to explore whether it is possible to communicate your boundaries from a place of feeling connected to your mind, body and emotions rather than struggling to communicate your boundaries from a place of being in hyper-activation or survival-mode. 

• Social Power Dynamics & Boundaries

Due to living within a colonial-capitalist-patriarchal society, most of us have unconsciously been made to believe that people in certain positions of power and authority are the only ones who are permitted to set and enforce boundaries. For example, perhaps it has been your experience that only men, white-bodied people, or people with a certain amount of financial capital are allowed to enforce boundaries and set the rules, as well as change them whenever they like in ways that may cross your boundaries. If you are a person from a marginalized group – these unequal social power dynamics may make you feel powerless and helpless in your ability to establish and communicate your own boundaries. 

In cases like these, I believe it is important for people regardless of their financial capital, racial, cultural or gendered background – to first become aware of what power dynamics are at play. Following this, you can learn to come into contact with your own feelings and emotions within your body. Explore what it would feel like to ask for what you need and affirm that you have a right to feel safe and respected no matter what environment you are in. 

To work with Shalyn Isaacs as your psychotherapist (qualifying) at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or by calling (647) 795-5277.