Having More Confidence Saying ‘NO’

Written by: Anna Pasternak / Communication Coaching / September 08, 2021 / 8 minutes read

Have you ever experienced difficulties saying ‘no’ to others?  Why do you think that happens? Sometimes it may be that we feel bad hurting other’s feelings, or we form elaborate stories in our mind that may potentially play out when we say ‘no’. Often these made up thoughts may not have a positive outcome and so we don’t end up saying ‘no’ being fearful of a negative outcome. 

When we don’t say ‘no’ though it may make the other person happy, we may feel resentful of our decision or the situation that we put ourselves in.  This types of situation may often come up when saying ‘yes’ to friends when we really wanted to say ‘no’. Saying ‘no’ in some situations such as work may not benefit us, such as when your boss asks you do  something. If we are over loaded with work and we cannot do something momentary it’s alright to say ‘ I can complete this task once I finish with this’ or ‘ sure, I will be able to complete this tomorrow as I am swamped for the rest of the day’.  But why do we often feel guilty for saying ‘no’? This may be due to some beliefs you may have developed over the years.  

The Centre for Clinical Interventions has underlined some common beliefs to ‘saying no’:

• Saying no is rude and aggressive 

• Saying no is unkind, uncaring, selfish 

• Saying no will hurt and upset others and make them feel rejected 

• If I say ‘no’ to somebody they won’t like me anymore

• Other’s needs are more important than mine.

• I should always try and please others and be helpful

• Saying ‘no’ over little things is small minded and petty  

If you find saying ‘no’ difficult, begin with saying ‘no’ in small situations, that do not matter as much to you, and work your way up to the situations that make you more nervous.

Though we may have these beliefs about saying ‘no’ we have to understand that this is just a belief we may have, but most often is not even true. Especially if it takes away from what you are happy with doing. When you might be contemplating saying ‘no’, try putting yourself in the other person shoes and how you might react to if someone said ‘no’ to you in this situation. Doing this you may find that someone saying ‘no’ to you wouldn’t affect you at all, and this may be the same way your friend would also react. If you find doing this difficult start a thought diary and write down the situation at hand. Whether it is before or after the fact. For example: 

Situation: Saying ‘no’ to my friend who asked me to go out for lunch.

What was I feeling: I felt nervous an scared that she might be mad at me. 

Evidence for these feelings: None

Evidence against these feelings: She has also declined me before and I didn’t get angry. I have the right to say ‘no’ if I don’t feel like doing something.

What happened: I said ‘no’ and we rescheduled the lunch for another time, and my friend did not react badly. 

Here are some basic rules to follow when saying ‘ no’ as described by the Centre for Clinical Interventions: 

• Be straightforward and honest but not rude so that you can make the point effectively. 

• As a rule keep it brief. 

• Tell the person if you are finding it difficult 

• Be polite – say something like “thank you for asking...” 

• Speak slowly with warmth otherwise “no” may sound abrupt. 

• Don’t apologize and give elaborate reasons for saying “no”. It is your right to say no if you don’t want to do things. 

• Remember that it is better in the long run to be truthful than breed resentment and bitterness within yourself. 

These principles listed above can help guide you when  saying ‘no’ in various situations. Hopefully they give you some guidance on how to approach saying ‘no’ more assertively without feeling guilty afterwards. If you find saying ‘no’ difficult, begin with saying ‘no’ in small situations, that do not matter as much to you, and work your way up to the situations that make you more nervous. Saying ‘no’ may take practice to achieve a certain comfort level when doing it, but it can definitely be reached. Remember to say ‘no’ only in situations that you really want to, you also don’t want to become the person known for declining everything. 

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.