Misgendered? Communicate Effectively Without Losing Your Cool

Written by: AC Goldberg / Transgender Voice / February 17, 2021 / 10 minutes read

Being misgendered can range from uncomfortable to unsafe. Correcting someone on the spot isn’t always an option. Here are some situation-specific tips for when it happens to you.

Scenario 1: Helpful Stranger in the Service Industry

You’re next in line. A friendly bank teller wants to get your attention. “Miss? Excuse me, miss, I can see you now at the second window.” Not wanting to call attention to yourself by correcting a stranger in a public place is understandable. So...how do you send the message without announcing you’ve been misgendered? Here are some strategies:

• The who...me. Turn your head and look for the person the bank teller must be talking to, because it can’t possibly be you, right? This sends the message to the person who misgendered you and to those in your immediate area that you don’t think it’s you who is being spoken about.

• The huh-oh. If you’re confident with your voice, simply assert, “Me?” or “Oh! Are you calling me?”
  

• The how absurd. While nonverbal communication with facial expressions is limited right now due to mask wearing, a glance that gives the look of confusion or a laugh that reads “how absurd!” can go a long way.

• The shrug. Simply approach the teller without reacting if this is most comfortable for you in the moment.

Scenario 2: Phone Call > In Person

Your Uber driver calls to let you know they’re out front. Without thinking, you answer the phone in your habitual voice. When you get into the car the driver turns to you and says, “I’m sorry, I’m expecting the person I just spoke to on the phone, was that you?” Yikes. Here’s a few things you can try:

• The fake-out. (adjust voice) “Yes! My partner answered my phone while I was in the washroom! Sorry for the confusion.”

• The fake-r. (no voice adjustment needed) “I’m just getting over laryngitis...I didn’t realize my voice still sounds so different!”

• Feeling unsafe? Say, “No! I must have the wrong car” and then get out. You’ll have to eat the fee and call another car, but safety first.

Being misgendered is uncomfortable no matter how it happens. Remember, your safety is the most important thing.

Scenario 3: Long Lost Friend

Someone you’ve fallen out of contact with surfaces unexpectedly. While you haven’t kept in touch, you were once close. Even if this is someone you may be completely comfortable coming out to, these moments can bring about a lot of anxiety. There’s no need to come out if you aren’t comfortable in the moment, and no need for a lengthy explanation if you are. You might consider:

• The plans. You’re excited to see your old friend. “We have so much to catch up on! Maybe we can check in over lunch. Let me give you my contact information.” Then, give them your contact information with your CORRECT name. If they ask questions, you can shut them down by saying, “let’s save all that for lunch!” That gives you a chance to make the plan AND control the way you come out (as in, you can text about it) and a boundary has been set that you don’t want to talk about it right now.

• The deferral. You’re extremely anxious about seeing your old friend. You aren’t sure how they’ll react when you give them your new name and pronoun, even though you assume they’ll be supportive. Take control over the timing, if you can. Unless you’re about to head into a work meeting or social engagement, this can be achieved through doing exactly what is mentioned above. Exchange information so you can control the flow of the conversation.

• The save. You and your old friend are headed into the same board meeting. Everyone there will be calling you by the correct name and pronoun. This is a good time to give your old friend a head’s up so that they don’t misgender you in front of the group. “It’s so great to see you! So much has changed since we last spoke...including my name. Please call me Penny now, and in the meeting, people will be referring to me as Mrs. Smith. I can’t wait to catch up!”

• The dodge. You’re in a public place and don’t want to engage with this old friend. Ignore them. If you ignored them because you didn’t want to have the interaction at the supermarket, you can find them over social media, exchange information and explain that it’s not always safe to come out in public. When that feels necessary to an interaction, safety first. Always. If you ignored them because you don’t feel comfortable coming out to them, good job! You’re the one controlling your narrative.

Scenario 4: Family Dinner

You have an affirming family...aside from your aunt. Everyone has been calling you the correct name and pronoun for years. She refuses and continues to lament the loss of the way she once perceived your gender, and always calls attention to whichever ‘feature’ she believes demonstrates that gender within your presentation and talks about it aloud. Her behavior is inappropriate and even though your family knows, nobody takes action. These are some courses of action, if you haven’t taken them already:

• The recruit. Recruit a trusted family member to explain things to her, if you haven’t already tried this. Sometimes someone affirming from the same generation explaining things can go a long way. It’s important to remind the recruit to tell your aunt that it is traumatic for you every time she misgenders you, deadnames you and calls attention to a gender she once perceived you to be.

• The constant correction. With the help of your supportive family, collectively correct her each time she misgenders you. If she has any kind of inappropriate outbursts, you should really talk to your family about how it would be safest and least traumatic for you not to be at the same dinner table as her. If they support you, they can exclude her until she’s supportive.

• The last resort. Air horn. Use whenever she deadnames or misgenders you. The house shakes. The binary breaks. Should be effective immediately. Unfortunately this will damage everyone’s hearing, but a buzzer from a board game or a bell could be just as effective and might break the ice on managing a difficult situation!

Being misgendered is uncomfortable no matter how it happens. Hopefully some of these tips are useful to you! Remember, your safety is the most important thing. Sometimes, in spite of misgendering being painful, we have to let it happen. You’re still you, no matter what.

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.